I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
there is puke in my bra ... again
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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