just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
she peed on how many people?
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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