Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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