Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Randomize
