Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
