hotel room ftw
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
