Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
You're like the curious george of whores
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
