also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
