I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
