You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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