How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
