I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Randomize
