My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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