Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
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