In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
there is puke in my bra ... again
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