DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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