I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
