I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
