she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
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