in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I'm too high and old for this...
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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