You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
