I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
