I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
