dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
