I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Randomize
