I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
