I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
