You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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