We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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