my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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