The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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