The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
