Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
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