Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
