Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
