This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
