i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
