I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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