Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
