Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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