I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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