No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
