Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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