Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
