Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
