It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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