i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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