i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Verdict: uncircumcised.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
