Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
