Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Randomize
