I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
